I don't think I've ever seen more cyberbullying happen surrounding anything than I have with the topic of rehoming. If you encounter any post captioned "free to a good home," you're likely to witness at least a few crying or angry emojis, at worst people being downright nasty. There are also usually a smattering of "helpful" people suggesting that people train the dog. I truly do think that people mean the best in their righteous anger- and I get it! Seeing dogs suffer the consequences of human reality can be really heartbreaking.
But these kinds of interactions can be hard for me to watch, because my occupation often involves talking frankly to families about what they are realistically prepared to take on. Sometimes, the very best option is to find a better fit for the dog, regardless of what is possible training-wise for the dog. People must be ready to train. They need to want it. They need to have the time, the financial capacity, as well as the mental and emotional capacity. And often- when people rehome, it is because they cannot even meet their own needs. All of us are fighting unimaginable battles, inside and outside, seen and unseen. People are suffering from cancer, the loss of a new baby, a cheating partner, recovering from drug or alcohol addiction- you name it! Often, I have seen a compassionate client who has decided to rehome a dog get absolutely decimated online while they are trying to do right by their dog, who deserves better, while they are facing a ton of stress. This always breaks my heart!
I don't think most people take rehoming as lightly as you would think. Many people who don't have the resources to train their dog feel hopeless because they can't stop aggression, stop reactivity, or stop leash pulling. Even something as simple as jumping up can be a serious deal-breaker for elderly or ill people. From what I have seen, people tend to suffer greatly when facing rehoming the dog that was supposed to be their best friend and support them through difficult times. Rehoming a dog means facing failure. It means facing the fact that they are not enough to do right by their dog. It means that they know they do not have their life together enough to make something that should work, work. It means that they have to face the inevitable social shame of giving up- and believe me, no one wants to do that.
I have personally found myself in this boat. When I was in college, a family member brought me a lost little chihuahua mix to "watch" while they looked for his family. They found him wandering in a neighborhood. As a busy student who barely had their life together, I didn't really have the time to watch a dog for a few days, let alone take accountability for my family member's bad decision to try to find the dog's family instead of just letting animal control do it. They never looked. I ended up keeping the dog- and it was a disaster! The dog was not potty trained, and at the time all I knew was to "rub the dog's nose in it" (which of course did not work). At the time training was not as mainstream as it is now, and even if it were- I was living paycheck to paycheck. It soon became clear that I should not be a dog owner, and I rehomed the dog after about 6 months. I suffered the social shame, the failure- all of it. I vowed to myself that I would not have a dog as an adult again until I was positive that I could do right by one- so it was almost another decade until I got a dog again. It was the right decision for both the dog and for me and I am at peace with it despite the social consequences. I've never stopped thinking of him or feeling bad about needing to rehome him, even though it was the right call.
Since then I have thought hard about whether the shame that was thrown at me as I rehomed Cujo (pictured) is what truly made me the responsible pet owner I am today. I've wondered if I would have been as cautious if not for all that bullying. I really don't know. But what I do know is that I see a lot of dogs in the wrong home stay in the wrong home because people are afraid to make the right choice for their dog due to cyber-bullying. Or worse- people resort to dumping the dog out in the desert or even putting the dog down because they can't face the internet consequences.
I want you to think about any relationship in your life where you felt truly misunderstood, unwanted, or like a burden. Have you ever been in a romantic, family, or friend relationship where you felt like the other person was constantly annoyed with you? Have you ever felt like they wished you were gone? When you had that relationship (or maybe you still have it) did you wonder if there was more for you out in the world? I think that on a cognitive level, dogs don't understand what "could" be in an idealistic way, but they know when they are wanted or loved. They know when their needs are met- or not met (more or less).
So after thinking about that experience, can you honestly tell me that you would want a dog to stay in a situation where their needs are not met? Where they are truly unwanted? How would that possibly benefit the person or the dog? Who knows if the next home is going to be better- but at least they have a shot at "better."
This is not to say that I think we should take rehoming lightly. It's just that I think we could do without the cyber-bullying and try to keep the dog's ultimate welfare in mind. Staying in a bad or inadequate situation is not better just because the dog gets to keep their home. My dog Boo's last home, while not totally meeting his needs, was not a "bad" home- but since his previous owners wanted more for him, he now has just about the best life a dog could ask for living with a dog trainer. His world is extremely open and free. I truly wanted to do everything I could for him, and over time I gained the tools to do so. I think the best thing we can do for people who are rehoming is to delicately suggest some options, and if none of those options are a good fit, take their word for it. Help them! Be a part of the solution and help to place the dog, for the dog's sake. Dogs are incredibly resilient creatures, and most dogs take to a new home just fine, especially if a trainer is involved on the "new home" end.
No one wants to be unwanted or a burden, not even a dog. Everyone deserves to be wanted, to be loved, and in an environment where they can thrive. In my opinion, there are better ways to promote responsible dog ownership than bullying and shaming.
Let's create a better tomorrow for all dogs- and that starts with empathy and education for people so they take on dogs that are a good fit in the first place. If you are struggling with your dog and with to keep them, we can help! There are also plenty of other great dog trainers in Southern Utah. We can also help point you in the direction of resources to help you rehome a dog that is not a good fit. Just let us know how we can help you!
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